Saturday, April 30, 2011

How I Disappoint Myself

this will be a sad post. if you dont like reading me complaint, i suggest that you close this page right now. i will tell you the story of how i become me right now. this is not just a complaint post but also i want to figure where i went south. where everything start to get messed up and fucked.

lets start backward;

Where i am.
I used to be  a great student. right now, i am waiting for MARA letters containing my flight tickets to come home back to Malaysia. YES. i failed as a student here in Ottawa. therefore the contract between me and MARA clearly said that i have to end my study here in Ottawa. it not their fault on being to cruel or whatever. i just lost the "fire" to strife for excellency.

What I used to be.
i'm not stupid. not at all. at least i think i'm not. i know all the past achievement dont mean shit now. but UPSR, PMR and SPM all i manage to get straight As. heck i manage to skip standard 4 because PTS. and for ICPU or Ontario Grade 12, i manage to score a solid 83% marks. it qualify me to embarks on the small world of Engineering Physics here in Carleton University. i remember, back then, i was the happiest person in this fucking world to get to take the opportunity to be the only Malaysian here at Carleton to tackle the hardest engineering program there is. how fucking naive was me. in a class of 12 people, i started my struggle.

Engineering Physics.
people might say this is where my mistakes start. who am i thinking that i can handle the worst program there is. i'm just a normal malaysian. not even the top students from any of my previous schools. and suddenly i want to tackle the hardest engineering there is. To paint you a picture of how hard it is, it is like taking a double major physics and electrical engineering. they said electrical engineering is hard, then to add physics in the misery. its like double kicks in the balls. how i think i can do it? all started in ICPU where i manage to get an 86 on physics. which basically an A. so i thought to myself. i'm not that into any particular department of engineering. why not just go physics. i like physics and there is engineering in it so MARA will sponsor me. Stupid aint it. the first year, it was okay. the engineering stuffs in first year was easy. well easier compare to the physics course i have to take. and the engineering physics course. i spent almost 60% of my time in freshmen worrying about physics. and it was carry to second year.

 i maintain that 60:40 ratio of physics to engineering. unfortunately, it backfires on me on my second term of sophomore year. why u ask? because i was taking this Digital Electronic course and an Optics course. Digital Electronics was said to be the 2nd worst course in the whole sophomore year. and Optics is no walk in the park. and with those time ratio i set to myself, i manage to fail both courses. yeah, it hurts that bad. i have that 4 years time limit that MARA set to me. i cant afford to extend. that is also the time i realize. this is a losing battle.

there is no way in hell i can come back after this. so, i think i'll try to save myself by changing my program to EE (Electrical Engineering). but to be honest, in my third year in EE, i was like the 300 Spartans against the Persian army in the movie 300. i was fighting a losing a battle. i will die under the burden. getting out of Engineering Physics is like a soldier that is send back because his leg was amputated and just to find out he still need to work to keep his family fed.

i was enjoying Engineering Physics. it was a dream. it was hard, but i was fun for me. the moment i sent the application to change program. a large part of me died, not a little but a large. that is the moment i realize dreams are never meant for me. i dont know who dreams are for but it is sure as hell it is not for me. to add salt to my wound, the summer of my sophomore years, instead of going for a holiday after an ass busting session. i decided to stay and bust my broken and swollen ass a little more. i took summer courses. 4 to be exact. i thought it would help taking complementary studies. i doesn't help at all. it makes thing worst. junior year was a falling year. a story of how i jump off the cliff.

this is too overwhelming to write. i'll continue on some other times.


  1. to be honest, you made me sad. not just sad, but I am actually crying.

    I know you as one of a very good student. When I first heard you were taking Engineering Physics, I had no doubt that you'd do fine.

    I know how frustration feels, I know exactly, every little of how it feels.

    The main thing now is not to give up, no matter how cruel everythng is treating you.

    Allah is testing you, and you have exactly to options, you stand up, do wahtever you still can do or would do, or just give up .

    I know, it is easier said than done, but I dont want to see a good,nice smart guy like you give up in his own battle.

    we still have long way to go.
    and once fail doesnt mean you would fail for ever.

    Take care.

  2. thanks for those lovely words...i've made my choices...i choose give up...thanks for the tears too...farra good luck in ur remaining years fight ends here...

  3. kasih sayang Allah adalah relatif dengan ujian yang diberi. Besarnya ujian hidup anda itulah petanda besarnya kasih sayang Allah terhadap anda. Beruntunglah anda berbanding manusia lain jika diberi seberat-berat ujian di bumi. Itulah tarbiah dari Allah. setelah melalui ujian yang besar dan anda dapat menghadapinya dengan tabah, insyaAllah...Syurga adalah tempat anda.

    -Jangan difikir derita akan berpanjangan, kelak akan membawa putus asa pada Tuhan. Ingatlah biasanya kabus tak berpanjangan, setelah kabus berlalu pasti cerah kembali-

  4. li...insyaAllah ade hikmah semua yg berlaku ni...mungkin ade rezeki yang lagi besar menanti ko bila balik Malaysia nanti...

  5. dearest very sad to read fact u made us all teary as well not give up... honestly each of us have our own unfortunate moments... cik jae pun .. could ask umi about this...smooth sailing through and through, alih alih bila ambik my degree it took a rough turning,to me very rough, memang susah to steer the path...but hold on hard.Please do not lose faith. And do not forget us ; umi , abah, tok ayah ,tok ma ,ur uncles and aunts who have known u since u r were born, see u growing through the years , love u and will always love u. And whatever happens u r still our Bob

  6. although myself is not as brilliant as u... i think we share almost the same story....

    in school & state, i used to be top students for UPSR, PMR, SPM...all straight A's...but i'm just an unlucky girl who's parents can't afford to send me to boardschool, top school and whatsoeva....

    medical was my ambition, got scholarship to study in russia in that course, but my father was sicked that time. I went for matrix, but didn't perform in 1st sem (pointer not good enough for med). I quit matrix even though i wasn't kicked off after 1st sem and sat for STPM. i paid my own money for all the fees and seldom went to school- don't have money for bus fare & my dad really frust coz i quit matrix, he didn't want to give a penny.

    however, my STPM result sucks too. I juz took random course at health sc fac, complete my 4yrs studied. pekakkan my ears to all those sumbang words. and now after about 10yrs, even if i'm not a doc. i still proud of who i am, i laugh & proud on my past.

    and i'm sure......5 to 10 yrs from now, u'll be more strong than eva...everything have its own reason, keep fighting...(^^)


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